Some days I wake up absolutely tickled and astounded at the fact that I have become a Shadow Integration Coach.
The following are a list of qualities that described me for much of my life:
people pleasing,
conflict & sadness avoidant and
codependent.
Basically, if there was sadness, anger, grief, loss anywhere - that was my cue to run in the opposite direction.
Oh, and I also needed everyone to like me and never cause them to be upset, and I would do whatever it took to make sure that was the case.
Sounds exhausting, right?
I had no idea that this is what I was doing. This was simply the way I learned to live. And in hindsight, it is clear as day:
There was this fear in me that painful emotions were bigger and more powerful than I could ever be.
And so, if I allowed myself to feel them, they would overpower me and swallow me whole.
If I indulged these painful emotions or let them in just a little, the story in my head told me that I would either drown in a deep depression, or become a horrible monster and push everyone away. There was just no way to avoid it.
I was also convinced that if I avoided my painful feelings, then I would prevent bad things from happening in the future.
If I didn’t make them part of my context, they wouldn’t be.
The sorcery!
I was determined to play a life-long game of “hide and seek” with pain and never get found.
The denial was so real.
As you may have learned, this approach of running from your pain? It doesn’t quite work - no matter how amazing you have ever been at “hide and seek”.
Emotions are energy within you and a natural part of our human experience.
When you refuse to feel them, you are denying huge pieces of what makes you human and whole.
When you refuse to feel them - the result of that denial remains trapped within you.
For me, it manifested in a blanket feeling of insecurity that I learned to live with all the time. I often felt ill-equipped to manage everyday situations. I wanted to hide from attention. I put a cap on how visible, happy, loved or successful I would allow myself to be. Any more than that may require a fuller life experience that would involve pain and she might find me.
And I wasn’t having it.
I needed something massive to shake me out of my experience.
And it came in the form of a divorce at 30-years old with a one-year old baby.
Sometimes it takes a truly earth-shattering moment to shake you out of your complacency and your old ways.
It was the first time that the pain was unavoidable. And what a gift that was.
It had a domino effect that slowly started busting down all the things I had come to understand were real about life and about me.
If my marriage could fall apart, after I “did everything I was supposed to” what else was possible? What else could I question?
Did that also mean I could feel all my feelings?
Did that also mean I could try things I never imagined trying?
Did that also mean I could set boundaries in my relationships?
Did that also mean I could prioritize and be kind to myself?
Did that also mean I could follow my heart and create the things I desired?
This all certainly didn’t happen overnight, but there was a moment where I realized it was fruitless to walk away from the fire.
Not only did I face it, I actually started walking right towards it.
I discovered Shadow Work and I couldn’t get enough. To see the pain and go straight towards it? What?!
It was the polar opposite of the way I had been living and it called me like nothing else ever had. This was the medicine I didn’t know I had been looking for. This was the antidote.
I began to show love to all the parts of me - especially the ones where I used to feel shame and fear.
Here’s what I found when it finally was unavoidable to feel (at least some!) of my pain:
My pain had the space to be felt, transmuted, and released. Imagine that!
I learned important things about myself - like what I truly desired and how I had been holding myself back
I allowed a fuller experience of me to live - with new braver decisions
I had so much more ease in my life and so much more trust in myself
I stopped sweating the bullshit and indulging stories that did not serve me
I have found my soul liberation in finally embracing and celebrating the parts of me I used to fear the most.
I need to be clear about this:
Shadow Work has brought me to absolute, profound, soul liberation and sovereignty.
I went from doubting almost everything about myself to loving all of who I am.
Even as I sometimes get triggered, feel insecure, doubt - I adore that I am still and always will be a work in progress.
There is something that happens within you when you commit to loving yourself this way. Something profound truly does shift.
My default has shifted from fear to courage.
And it is clear that there is an enormous purpose to the way I lived for all those years, in a well of insecurity, doubt, and fear.
I know just how deep the denial and disassociation can run. I know just how big the fear is.
The amount of empathy I have for my clients is outstanding because I lived there for so, so long. I suffered through it. I know it.
I can hold them here as they choose to free themselves and set a new path for their lives rooted in self-love, trust - and they create what they want from here.
I don’t think I would have felt so drawn to this work had my experience of life not been the opposite for so long. The whole time, my higher self knew I would heal in this lifetime and it would be a healing force that would ripple from me.
There is nothing particularly courageous about me.
I am simply a woman who got tired of doubting herself and decided to question the stories in her head by embracing herself in her pain and her joy.
I appreciate where I am. I don’t take it for granted. And I am honored to walk this same path with you in our coaching.
For so long, I lived with a fear that these emotions would change me.
As it turns out, that was exactly the point. And I will forever be grateful.
👑 Let’s work together: Shadow Integration Session
If you’re curious about Shadow Work, I have launched a new One-time Shadow Integration Session that will give you a taste of just how much is possible for you. It’s remarkable how much we can move through with intention here. Book your session right here and let’s kick off your next chapter together.
🎧 Listen: From Boss Babe to Empress: Love
Last week there was a conversation about divorce and this week we close the Boss Babe to Empress series with Debbie Rodriguez on the “Living Intuition” podcast with a conversation about what we have learned about love and ourselves as we experience sacred union and true partnership for the first time in our lives.
Buckle up, friends. This one was straight from the heart and so so brave. We hope you love it!
Stay tuned: The podcast bug has officially bit me again and I’m excited to continue regular (weekly?!) shares.