You know that thing you keep doing that you kind of hate?
You know that one goal you want so much that you never quite reach ?
You know that behavior pattern you seem to be endlessly stuck in?
There’s a part of you that is absolutely loving this result. She’s set it up that way, and she keeps getting exactly what she wants.
Welcome to your Shadow - the home of your unconscious desires.
The first time I learned about this, I was equal parts thrilled and pissed off.
I choose to lean on the thrill, and got curious.
As it turns out, your Shadow is not some evil inner vixen trying to mess up your life.
Here are some big things to understand about your Shadow:
Your Shadow is trying to protect you. For this aspect of your subconscious, that thing you’re saying that you want (a new behavior, a big risk, a new relationship, a particular thrilling result) it’s all just too damn much. This aspect of you is scared and has made it her # 1 job to protect you from what you say you want, keeping you instead in the familiar and known.
Your Shadow loves you and is completely innocent. Every part of you loves you completely. Although you may not agree with her methods, her intent is completely innocent. There is no part of you that is trying to purposely hurt you or mess with your life.
Your Shadow is however, getting what she wants; while you are left with the painful experience or results.
This is the philosophy behind Carolyn Elliott’s Existential Kink, a practice that centers on the paradoxical and inherent “kink” of a part of us experiencing pleasure from something that’s causing us pain.
One of the most powerful things you can do to actually release this hold your Shadow has over you might surprise you.
It is actually to get on her side.
If you’re able to access some curiosity, openness and compassion towards your Shadow, you’re ready to begin on this path.
To take on this practice, you’re going to create a container, with a beginning and an end. I recommend you set a timer for 10 - 15 minutes. For this time, your mind can relax. This will be an experience you have exclusively in your body. (Go ahead and set that intention even if you’re not quite sure how that would work. OK? Let’s go).
Sit or lie down comfortably, take some deep breaths, and relax.
Allow yourself to feel the sensations that come up in your body when you think about the thing that is happening that you don’t want.
Recognize your Shadow through these sensations - knowing her to be the source of this experience you don’t want. Continue feeling the sensations and bring as much acceptance and loving energy as you can to your Shadow.
For this time you have together, imagine yourself as her greatest supporter and cheerleader. Feel her pleasure in getting this result that she wants. Celebrate it. Get fully and completely on her side, and enjoy it together.
Allow the sensations in your body to move, shift, expand. Be open and receptive without tight expectations and without any judgement. Continue to take deep breaths.
Close with infinite love and gratitude for all parts of you. Journal about your experience if you feel called to do so.
It is important that you walk into this practice with reverence and love, and that you don’t do it in order to fix any part of you or to obtain a particular outcome. The intention here is your wholeness, harmony and peace. Everything else is gravy.
From the first moment I ever experienced this practice, I was surprised at the incredible freedom I felt at allowing myself to get excited for what my results actually were, versus being stuck in the frustration of what I wanted them to be.
There is a release of stuck energy that happens here and opens you up for a truly expanded set of possibilities.
You feel more integrated and start to feel a deeper sense of ownership. You may even find yourself saying “I am getting exactly what I want”, and sitting blissfully in that truth.
Over time, the inevitable outcome of this exercise on an ongoing basis is that you will loosen the grip your Shadow has over you. You’ve essentially brought her into the light by actively engaging her.
You are creating greater harmony and less separation within yourself, and you will start to feel that your Shadow has less of an unconscious hold on you.
Instead you are moving through life more free, more integrated, and more whole - thereby opening you up to create your desire.
And I for one can’t wait to see that version of you.
*Note: My Shadow mostly shows up for me as female which is why I use “she”. You can use whatever pronouns feel right for you.
Let’s share in this experience.
If you try this exercise, have questions, or want to share your experience, please let me know in the Comments!
If this is something you’d like to get support with - I’d love to connect with you about my Shadow Integration coaching.
Existential kink is a beloved resource for me 💙
👤Shadow🩶love; imprinting "Your Shadow loves you and is completely innocent. Although you may not agree with her methods, her intent is completely innocent."